It's a girl!!!! (Most likely)

Well, we just had the 20 week ultrasound and our extremely experienced tech thinks it's about a 95% probability it's a girl. I really just stared at the screen in awe as she squirmed around trying her best to confound and confuse the the ultrasound tech. Apparently my girl is already quite modest.

For a Dad, this period of time in the pregnancy is a lot of doing anything you can to bring anything approaching comfort to your wife. Nothing I felt up to blogging about. Making dinner and making the bed, fixing malt 'o' meal in the morning so she can take 3 bites and pronounce herself done. Trying to accommodate and ever changing and finicky appetite,
picking up things because she can't bend over.

Sometimes I just have to step back and say, "I have no idea how that feels. I need to be more understanding." I saw from the ultrasound the the Walnut is already quite large and very active. It must be very uncomfortable to be carrying that around all the time. Then, I get my wits back and get back into "husband of the year" mode.

I have pictures from the ultrasound I'll post as soon as I get around to scanning them.

Baby steps to the podcast.... baby steps to the podcast....

I've begun some initial audio tests for the podcast. The sound quality I can get at home is acceptable. It ain't radio. But it's acceptable.

The Big Taboo: Step-Children vs. Biological Children

This might be the most controversial family subject of the current age. And to make the comparison REALLY unfair, my biological child is currently unborn and about 12 weeks along and my step child is a teenager. If you have not yet experienced a teenager, let me tell you, it will consume all of your mental resources to stay calm at times.

There are some wonderful things about my step son. I love him. But there is something I think we fail to give proper weight to as we blend our families. Your partner had a previous partner. And depending on the patterns in your partners life, odds are you are either extremely similar, or completely opposite of the previous partner. If you are extremely similar, well I wouldn't know. But I can tell you that if you are polar opposites, the child you are taking as your own has been raised with values that are likely to conflict with your own. This is a BIG deal. Not insurmountable, but not to be underestimated either.

Now, the bio-baby is a crap shoot. It may or may not accept your values as it's own. This is a journey you have to go on and see through before you'll know what kind of person you raised. You do, however, feel a certain amount of ability to steer the course. Like you control your own destiny. This is an illusion, but it IS comforting.

The step child, however, is already at least partially formed. And you had no say so in that. Can you live with that? I have to tell you in my house it's hard. My predecessor did not raise his child to naturally respect his elders or women in general. Pet peeves of mine, unfortunately. And it's a long hard road of constantly reminding him that is "not how you speak to your mother." I realize that this is out there on the web and I am making myself vulnerable (my son may well read this himself), but if it helps a potential step father to be better informed before taking on a huge , desperately important responsibility, I think the benefits outweigh the risks.

My predecessor also managed to drill home the idea that no "man" could ever really love a child that was not his own. To an extent, my son believes this. This brings out an deep insecurity in him, to which my natural response is, unfortunately, irritation. Talk about an incompatibility!!! I have to war with my very nature when he gets "clingy", (I don't even like my WIFE to be too clingy) and I have to confess I fail a good part of the time.

Do I have answers? No. I'm looking for answers. Maybe a community here could search out the answers, if there be any, together. I can tell you, no trick of biology could make this boy any more my son. And I think it will help him to see I (will) get just as irritable with my biological son as I do him.

I guess I really should be grateful to my son for being a stepping stone and Guinea Pig in my journey of "growing up Dad."

Book Reveiw: "She's Having a Baby -and I'm having a break down

She's Having a Baby: And I'm Having a Breakdown What Every Man Needs to Know-And Do-When the Woman He Loves Is Pregnant by James Douglas Barron.

The quote on the cover by Michael J. Fox says it well. "Finally, a book for the father-to-be that treats him like he had something to do with the pregnancy." And that it does. This book is all about US. She has a shelf full of books at Barnes and Noble to help her out. This one deals with our unique perspective as forgotten partners in parenthood.

This book is extremely readable. It's structured like a reference book so you can go back and find what you are looking for, but it read so well, I finished it in three good sittings. It won a Child Magazine best parenting book in 1998. Sure that's almost 10 years ago, but let's face it. Our role in pregnancy has been almost unchanged since the dawn of time.

The book is broken up into trimester which, in retrospect, is how I suggest your read it. Then it ends with two chapters, "The Delivery Room" and "Getting Started". These I suggest you read before the time comes.

She's having a baby is always humorous, but it's never silly or stupid. You will no doubt find some of the advice useless, but the insight Barron provides welcome relief and perspective that any pre-father can use. I dare say even a veteran can benefit from the reading.

I recommend this book highly. And the price tag is relatively painless. I provided the Amazon link up top for your convenience.

Walnut.

Poor Kid. Life's gonna be rough.

My wife gets these emails about pregnancy, and at week 10, the baby is described as the size of a walnut. This really resonated with me. I have been refering to the little one as Walnut ever since. I can picture him or her at about 10.
"Dad, how did I get the nickname 'Walnut' anyway?"
"Blame your mother, kiddo. It's all her fault."

I can't help it. I really like it, and we don't know a gender yet. What can I do?

Oh My God, it's real!!! -or Baby's First Picture, Week 10

That was all I could think. It's real. In proper English, gender neutral, He's real.

We had a bit of a scare the other day. There was some spotting (don't folow the link unless you really want to know) the other day. Now, my wife hasn't been pregnant for 14 years, and I've never been through this, so I think a mild panic attack was entirely appropriate. Long story follows, but essentially everything is fine, and she had her first ultrasound. It was a miracle. My little miracle. Sure, I cried when I saw it. Why deny myself that for some macho ego trip. I reveled in it!


So, I'm a geek Dad, and I scanned the picture and I'm taking it to work. If nobody cares, too bad. I'm going to be a daddy and I'm excited. I sent it too my mom too. And she's full bull goose loony about it. Most excited grandmother ever.

So, there it is. Anyone got any "first pic" memories they want to share?

First Fright (and it's not even Halloween)

Already, I have to wonder about the world I am bringing my child in to. He/she is little more than an abstract concept to me, my only real experience being with my wife's nausea. Still, I'm already afraid for him.

Why Kim Jong Il needs a nuclear bomb, I have no idea. I remember growing up in the shadow of the cold war. It was terrifying. I do not want my child to have to suffer through that. Daddy can't protect him from THAT!

It's a scarier world than it was even two days ago. Why does man have to hate man? Why do we need weapons to kill millions? I don't even trust MY government with that power. Kim Jong Il has a long history of abusing power.

I pray the world lasts long enough for me to see my child's face. Maybe I'll find my hope again tomorrow.

Growing Up Dad

Monday, September 25th, 2006. If I ever forget the date, I'll certainly never forget the day.

My wife Ann and I have been through a lot lately. We have recently moved across town after sharing a duplex with her parents proved less than ideal. She had recently started a relatively good job accounting for the police department when City Hall called dibs and yanked her away to a really good, career path, job as a city accountant. With all of this going on the last few months, finding time to be intimate was rather difficult, to say the least. So, of course when she really started to complain about an upset tummy, I naturally assumed stomach flu. So did she. After three or four days, however, she decided to take a test. Then she called me to bring home another test after work (I didn't know this was the second test).

I want to keep this blog, and eventual podcast, family friendly, so I'll say I was thinking something that sounded kinda like "Oh Shoot!", only it wasn't. Well, the results of the second dip test made us decide she should go to the Urgent Care clinic. Well, three strikes makes it sound so bad, so lets say it was a third strike, only we were bowling. We were three for three on positive tests. Three up, three down, end of an inning.

Yep, I am going to be a dad.

Full disclosure here, I'm already a dad. When I married my wife I took her then 10 year old son as my own. He's a great kid and I love him a lot. But, let's face it. Jumping on the train at ten is hardly starting from scratch, and our relationship has a lot of "buddy buddy" in it that comes from being a "step" father (as if that's any less important or difficult a job). But, here I find myself, at 34 having thought "He's 14. I'm almost done!" only to hit a chute instead of a ladder and going all the way back to start.

Am I excited? Oh heck yeah! I started a blog, and I'm planning a podcast! I went right out and bought two books on being a dad. I started a blog, and I'm planning a podcast! Which is where y'all come in.

Why "Growing Up Dad"? Because, like I think all first time expecting father's feel, I feel so scared, alone, and overwhelmed that the welfare of a little tiny baby is about to be entrusted to my hands that I think I might just hurl. I pray every night "God, all I care about is 'healthy'. That's all I want. Please." And I wish someone was here to do it with me. So, why not do it in public, on the web, where new fathers can go with me, and more experienced fathers can help us out as we are "Growing Up Dad".

Up front. I plan on this being a RESOURCE. I'm already working on book reviews and interviews. I'm subscribing to a couple of parenting magazines. And I know a boat load of great dads, my dad included, that I plan to mine for wisdom gold. I plan to cover the whole enchilada. Marriage. Siblings. Clothes and Toys. Educational stuff. Recall notices. Everything I worry about is going right here. And I figure I got a good 20 YEARS worth of content coming up. And I want to also say right up front, if I can get relevant sponsors or advertisers that can help me make this a great place to come, I will. That's way down the road, if at all. However, I wanted to be up front and make this pledge. I will always be open and honest. If I mess up here, you'll be the first to know. I hope we can build a great community here. If you want to write me a personal note, you can write to growingupdad at gmail dot com. Goodness, I haven't installed spell checking in FireFox yet. Well, I hope you'll forgive me.