I'm don't want to share

So, I'm not done writing yet. I just changed topics. Anyway,

I'm having a tough time wanting to share all the activities involved getting a baby (My first, mind you) with my step son. I know he wants to be involved and feel like part of the family, but damnit, I've never done any of this before and almost certainly never will again. Ideally, the way it was meant to be, the parents would enjoy all the picking out of stuff, the ultra sounds, the wiggles and jiggles the first time. Then, having been through it once, it would only be natural to include the first child in the process of preparing for the second's arrival.

It's petty, and I'm ashamed of myself, but I am jealous of the fact that I have to share my wife at this time. But in the words of the powerful and wise Super Chicken, "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred". Yes, I knew what I was getting in to. We just never planned on having kids.

I'll grow up. I promise.

That's enough for now,

Brian Norwood
muse.platypionline.com

Why I must be the best Dad ever.... or try to be.

Why I must be the best Dad ever, always love my wife, keep a strong, Christ centered household, and feel free to cry when ever I feel like it. Or at least try to

Because, I see what my step son is going through. He didn't have the benefit of any of this. And I am struggling to love him, when he he is frequently difficult to love. I see his dad in him, and I don't like it. How do I not see dad?. How do I see him as a fresh, new creature on his own merits?

So, I'm not shying away from my Christendom. Not on this blog, as Christ is a big part of my parental strategy. That doesn't mean I won't listen to non-christian views, but I digress.

Anyway, my struggle, this struggle, is a Christian struggle. My model, a man who loved the very people who spit at, beat, reviled and eventually crucified him. Perfect love. So, here I am, trying to love this boy, who desperately needs love, when he frequently acts in a way that is at times, frankly, unlovable? There is a level of selflessness that Christ possessed. And I don't think his deity absolves us from striving for that. If I can attain a level where loving is more important than my own feelings, I might reach this kid yet.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows I am more than capable of being a strict disciplinarian. And this post is not advice to other parents. But this particular, emotionally underdeveloped kid, needs my love at LEAST as much as my discipline. Perhaps more so. I'm so not naturally wired that way. My the home of my youth, a child knew his place. It's only natural that I want to order my house the same way.

But this kid, he's been through a lot of crap. So much that I honestly believe that he seeks to anger me, because an angry father is what is normal and familiar to him. Now, that is NOT my natural inclination, but he has a way of getting under my skin that few people have. And he is so desperate for attention that he would rather have me yell at him than ignore him. Somedays, it would be easier to just not care. But I do. I do care, and I need to NOT be that angry dad. I just haven't figured out how. Yet. But I will, for his sake, and the sake of the one on the way.

Anyway, it feels good to vent. Thanks to the internet for that. I'll leave you with some lyrics I found particularly relevant this week:
"So I try to be like you, try to feel the way you do. But without you it's no use, I don't see what you see when I look at the world."


That's enough for now,

Brian Norwood
muse.platypionline.com