So, when I left off, we had a huge, family destroying blow up. I own part of that, I know. But the kid really did seem hell bent on destroying our relationship, and, he did exactly that. Confession is good for the soul, and all that.
But now, we get to why I am really putting this all out there. I have seen the ÜberNanny, and I don't like it. I dunno, if really had thrown the boy through my desk, I suppose someone should have stepped in. I didn't do that, however. And really, what business does the state have peeking over my shoulder as I parent? If my wife and I agree that I didn't step over the line, shouldn't they just stay the hell out of our business?
I took a state-ran parenting class a few years back. One of many things I have done over the years to try to make my influence over the children in my care a positive one. And I got a lot out of it, but I remember getting into it with the hand-wringing "MS in Psychology" over spanking. He said it only made children fear you. Not love or respect you. And it teaches them to use violence to solve problems.
This is when the first draft of the Norwood Unified Theorem of Parenting was presented. I asked, "You respect your boss right? But, he can fire you. Isn't at least a little of that respect actually fear? I mean fear and respect are used interchangeably in some literature." And some wringing of hand brought about something like..."It takes a subtle use of semantics to arrive at that."
And, do you think the mind of a child can make that subtle distinction? I don't. In fact, I think that a child's mind and emotions are far more primal than that. That they won't even begin to understand the subtleties of respect for years, and that in the mean time the world is dangerous, and fear is a powerful teaching tool. I think you shelter and control the child at the early ages. And as they develop, you introduce the subtleties of "cause and effect in good decision making" and "respecting people and property" and "societal norms vis a vis and The Social Contract" as they are able to understand. But you have to admit, at some point, all they understand is "something bad will happen when I do this". And when it comes to the stove, the fireplace and the street, I'd rather her be afraid.
In short, I love time outs. I love talking and reasoning with your kids. These should make up the vast majority of your discipline. But when they just won't stop running into the street, by God it is your damn duty to see to it that they learn, and if that takes a swat on the tush, so be it.
So, you don't have to agree with me. I'm not evangelizing The Norwood Unified Theorem of Parenting. What I am saying though, that someone called BS on my position at some point, and they had the political clout to do something about it. And everyday, that swat on the tush that served us well for histories recorded and beyond, gets more illegal in this country. And, that would be fine with me, except, I look around and we don't seem to be producing better children. I'm not so foolish as to think things were moral and perfect in my grandparent's day. But it seems as if they were MORE moral and perfect than these days we live in. And, you know, my mother's spanking didn't scar me for life. I've known every day of my life my mother loves me.
Look, I think Britney Spears is about the most miserable excuse for a mother I have ever observed. But you can't tell me that some judge yanking those kids from their mother and all they have ever known was not extremely damaging. We let the government into our families with good intentions. Stop child abuse, keep kids safe. But, the fact is, the government is really completely unsuited to the task.
Let me be clear for a second here. I don't anticipate EVER having to spank Katie. And I certainly would prefer it be that way. But, I think some children require a more physical approach, because it is all they can understand. At least for a season.
I believe with all that is in me what happened to my step son, is that before he could learn to understand respect, the government, through CPS, the police, and the court system, took aways the only disciplinary system his slowed development could understand when they forbade my wife and her ex-husband to use corporal punishment. Suddenly the kid had all the power. He could call CPS. And, I think it ruined him. A child should NEVER have the power. So, he never learned fear of doing wrong, thus, he never learned respect. And now he has trouble with parents and teachers and peers and cops. And it will take an ordained miracle of God for him to learn respect now, which is the basis of all healthy human relationships.
So, as always, I am open to instruction and correction on parenting. I want to be the best possible parent to Katie every single day. But, I don't think the government is qualified to speak to that issue. I'd rather hear from actual parents with actual kids. And, I think the government, in the form of CPS, the police, and the court system should only get involved in the most extreme of circumstances. It appears however, that their involvement is becoming all too frequent. And when a historically non-violent man is accused of abuse by a child with a history of lying, bad behavior and a couple of arrests under his belt. When said kid's mother and grand parents and pastors are all willing to swear in court that this man does not abuse this kid...
Give me the freakin' benefit of the doubt. I will NEVER have a perfect record again. That arrest will never go away. And that bothers me every day.
And the kicker is, they didn't do Him any favors by taking him out of our house. From what little comes our way these days, he is STILL getting into trouble at school.
What can I do? I gave it my best. I still hope and pray that grows into a good man.
I give him to God. "God can make a way, where there seems to be no way..."
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And now for a diaper change....
Brian
muse.platypionline.com
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4 comments:
my experience is a bit different. I used to use spanking a a behavior modification tool. I regret it. i disagree with your opinion about respect vs fear. Though the same desired behavior may result, the motivation and emotions that fuel the behavior are VASTLY different. If you do your job well so your boss does not fire you, thats not because you respect him. You recognize their position and authority to terminate you, but no healthy working relationship comes out of that. If you respect your employer, you do a good job because you WANT to a good job and you recognize why they have authority and got to where they are professionally.
When a child respects you, they obey because they trust that you would never do anything to hurt them, and what you are asking of them is to insruct and benefit them in life. When they are defiant, consequenses should mirror reaql life consequenses- you don't go to work=you can't have things you might like to have- you don't clean your room=all of it's contents get taken away for a while until you earn them back.
I agree that a childs emotions are primal, and that is why they totally seperate fear and respect. They understand the difference far better than adults. Because of our "baggage" we complicate and often fuse the two emotions.
The greatest moment in parenting history is when I was at my wits end with my daughter, my husband started chucking Barbies in the trash can. This was effective in aiding us in modifying her behavior.
People who were adimant about not spanking and their kids turned out rotten probably were not consistant with any other form of disipline either. We want our children to be happy and it takes effort to discipline them, so lots of parents just let stuff go when they shouldn't. Whatever form of disipline you choose, you have to be consistant or kid's will figure out that 7 out of 10 time they can get away with the behavior.
What happened to you is apauling. There needs to be a balanced system in place that puts the needs of children over the political aims of people in government. When you take a child away from a parent- it is horrifying and traumatic to the child, even a severely abused child. They don't know anything else. You are taking them away from the only form of "love" they understand. So, they need to be pretty damn sure the parent is a detrement to the child before you yank them out of the home. BUT- you also shouldn't wait until 4 toddelers test positive for cocaine before someone intervines either. Where's the balance?
I quote the great Keanu Reeves, " You need a licence to drive a car. Hell, you even need a licence to catch a fish, but any butt reaming a--hole can be a father."
I'll shut up now.
The funny part is, that is my SECOND favorite quote from that movie.
The first - "I wouldn't live with you if the world was full of piss, and you lived in a tree."
EPIC!
Oh yeah, and, uh, I wish I had never, ever spanked either of our kids. I don't think I taught them anything when I did that. Other than that I'm bigger and stronger, and can inflict pain.
That said, I could probably mount a halfway effective argument on both sides of this issue, so I'll just stay out of it.
Sad that you seem to believe that the moral development of children (or the work ethic of employees)should be developed through pain and fear rather than through positive motivation and encouragement. If you really knew anything about operant and classical conditioning research you would know that spanking might stop an unwanted behavior temporarily but it teaches nothing, is the ineffective in making permanent change and the nastiness of hitting your children can become clearly associated with you, the environment in which it occurs or other factors associated with the pain of spanking. There is no guarantee that the pain will become primarily associated with the misbehavior. Of course you probably don't care much about that as you've already made it clear that you have no respect for those with any professional work in the area. Sad. Guess when you want to hit someone smaller than you, there isn't much that can be said to talk you out of it.
Thanks for your comment. I'd be more impressed had you left you name.
What's sad is that you didn't read my posts at all, or you'd know that I don't actually hit my kid. But IF I spank my kid, like literally billions of other parents have, that is not the state's concern. The numbers are on my side. Spanked children have built every great society this world has ever produced.
What's sad is that you cling to your religious beliefs about modern parenting, when every generation since Dr. Spock wrote his book has produced steadily worse and worse children. That since the mandates of those who have "done work in the field" have been implemented, we have a MORE disrespectful and MORE violent society and that the MORE parents fear disciplining their children, the WORSE it has become.
What's sad, is that you take a cheap shot at the end of your so called reasonable post, using a logical fallacy because your "work in the field" has not consistently brought about the results you desire.
I hope my kid never needs a spanking. I really do. But her welfare is my primary concern. And if she wants to run into the street, grab a boiling pan off the stove, or anything else where her safety is in jeopardy, I will use what ever tools are at my disposal to get her to not do that.
And really, if we want to look at it, time outs cause shame. You are separated from everything important for a period of time. That's painful. And you can only put them in timeout because you are more intimating.
Throwing away toys? Children view toys as an extension of themselves. It's painful. Depriving of desired resources? Painful. Grounding? Painful.
Everybody still teaches through pain. But I guess you can feel better about it because it's emotional pain rather than physical. When most of us know from grade school, words hurt so much more than any physical fight we were ever in.
My mother spanked me on occasion. And yet, I knew every second of every day that she loved me no matter what. And I'd take that all over again rather than go through periods where I thought she hated me simply to "spare the rod".
Because frankly, that is the "essential" ingredient. If you do not envelope your children in love, NEITHER method will work. And if you truly deeply love your children, either method will work.
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