The Big Taboo: Step-Children vs. Biological Children

This might be the most controversial family subject of the current age. And to make the comparison REALLY unfair, my biological child is currently unborn and about 12 weeks along and my step child is a teenager. If you have not yet experienced a teenager, let me tell you, it will consume all of your mental resources to stay calm at times.

There are some wonderful things about my step son. I love him. But there is something I think we fail to give proper weight to as we blend our families. Your partner had a previous partner. And depending on the patterns in your partners life, odds are you are either extremely similar, or completely opposite of the previous partner. If you are extremely similar, well I wouldn't know. But I can tell you that if you are polar opposites, the child you are taking as your own has been raised with values that are likely to conflict with your own. This is a BIG deal. Not insurmountable, but not to be underestimated either.

Now, the bio-baby is a crap shoot. It may or may not accept your values as it's own. This is a journey you have to go on and see through before you'll know what kind of person you raised. You do, however, feel a certain amount of ability to steer the course. Like you control your own destiny. This is an illusion, but it IS comforting.

The step child, however, is already at least partially formed. And you had no say so in that. Can you live with that? I have to tell you in my house it's hard. My predecessor did not raise his child to naturally respect his elders or women in general. Pet peeves of mine, unfortunately. And it's a long hard road of constantly reminding him that is "not how you speak to your mother." I realize that this is out there on the web and I am making myself vulnerable (my son may well read this himself), but if it helps a potential step father to be better informed before taking on a huge , desperately important responsibility, I think the benefits outweigh the risks.

My predecessor also managed to drill home the idea that no "man" could ever really love a child that was not his own. To an extent, my son believes this. This brings out an deep insecurity in him, to which my natural response is, unfortunately, irritation. Talk about an incompatibility!!! I have to war with my very nature when he gets "clingy", (I don't even like my WIFE to be too clingy) and I have to confess I fail a good part of the time.

Do I have answers? No. I'm looking for answers. Maybe a community here could search out the answers, if there be any, together. I can tell you, no trick of biology could make this boy any more my son. And I think it will help him to see I (will) get just as irritable with my biological son as I do him.

I guess I really should be grateful to my son for being a stepping stone and Guinea Pig in my journey of "growing up Dad."